*Disclaimer-I initially had no intention of blogging about this book since I did not like it and my opinions on divorce and finding oneself would not groove with most people. However a blog reader (who loved the book) actually asks me to, so here’s my very negative book review. And it turned out way longer than I had intended, I wouldn’t blame you if you skimmed or just plain didn’t read it.*
I should probably begin by saying I’m not a huge non-fiction reader. When I read a book I want it to entertain and take me away from my present time. That being said, I pretty much hated this book from the back cover alone, I probably wouldn’t have picked it up on my own accord. But I joined a book club and I didn’t get to pick the book. Truth be told I only made it to page 57, I couldn’t stomach the rest. We met last night, I was the only person who a. didn’t finish it and b. didn’t love it. Perhaps I should tell you why I found it considerably less than charming.
This book is about the author’s experience going through a nervous breakdown/mid-life crisis, getting divorced while citing the only reason is that her husband wants children and she doesn’t. So she asks her editor for money to go to Italy, India and Indonesia so she can write this self fulfilling prophecy about how she’s going to find herself, and then she does it. The very first chapter is her discussing how it’s been forever since she’s had sex and look at that young Italian boy who I’ve been meeting with weekly to practice Italian and I really, really want sex with him, but I really, shouldn’t and then again maybe I should just practice talking Italian with him rather than fantasizing.
It was insane how many people love this book. I read this book in public and three times random people came up to me to tell me it was their favorite book. All I could think was, this book? This pathetic woman has your favorite story? Let’s say for a moment this book was actually about a man. A man doesn’t want children and his wife does so he divorces her, goes on a year long trip to find himself, eats everything in sight, and then sits across the table from a very young, hot and sexy Italian woman and just wonders about sex with her. What a jerk. Who would read that? Who would publish that?
This book is one long excuse why if you’re unhappy you should just get divorced where you can find yourself and life will get so much better. I imagine why so many people relate to it is because so many people are unhappy in their marriages and dream of leaving it all. Or they just went through a very nasty divorce (tell me, how many of them aren’t nasty) and need someone else to tell them it was the right thing. Well here I am telling you most likely it wasn’t the right thing. I was told by others I had no idea what I was talking about, I’d only been married 7 years and what did I know. First off, she did get divorced before the 7 year mark (as do many, many people). And Steven and I aren’t always happy with each other, sometimes we get very, very, VERY angry with each other. And we have had problems (yes real ones, the really big ones I don’t share about so much). But I don’t divorce him (slight tangent-I do believe there are a few actual good reasons for divorce. By and large however, the majority of people from my perspective get divorced for reasons that are just plain pitiful excuses and cause even more problems that they just don’t realize).
So few people actually get to see what a normal, healthy marriage looks like. Either they grew up with divorced parents or their parents are in a prolonged unhappy marriage, where really they’re just complacent roommates. It’s very confusing. “My parents are unhappy and married, so I never want to get married and end up like them. so-and-so are happy and unmarried, I think I’ll take that route.”
Warning: I may sound extremely unromantic in the following sentence. I do not believe in the concept of soulmates. I do not believe there is a only one person I could have been with. “But Märia, would you have been as happy with another man than Steven?” Yeah. There are probably thousands of men I could have married and been just as happy with. “But Märia, what if Steven died, could you remarry and be just as happy?” Yeah. This is something we talk about, should Steven dying, and I have every intention of remarrying (not that I would have that goal, just that it would probably happen). “So Märia, are you really happy in your marriage since obviously it’s so replaceable?” What? Seriously? This is beyond stupid. That question doesn’t even need an answer (actually they didn’t ask this question specifically, they just hinted and then acted innocent when I actually spelled out what they were saying).
And then the concept of living entirely for yourself is just plain selfish. “But Märia, if you don’t take care of yourself, who will?” Of course, you should take care of yourself. That is essential. But no man is an island and you can’t live for just yourself, more important is giving of yourself. Finding yourself and your own purpose is one of the main reasons for living this life. But don’t throw away all responsibilities while in the process.
Anyways, hated it. Not a book worth my time or my effort. Mostly it just irritated me that so many people could elevate this pathetic selfish woman into semi-goddess. Yuck. The next book for the book club is My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Poccult. I actually already read that, it was good. Hopefully I’ll enjoy next month’s meeting better.
I completely agree with everything you said.. from the beginning….
to the end..
Sarah and I have talked of similar things. We pretty much have come to the same conclusion… That ANY two reasonable people can make a marriage work… and happiness is a choice.
We also believe that we’ll move on afterwards.. the only twinge of romanticism we still hold on to.. is that our second spouse.. will never have our full heart. One small sliver of who our hearts will always belong to one another..
I haven’t read this book, but every once in a while I’ll catch a couple of min. of a day show, or hear something on NPR, that makes me think that we are slowly being prepared to except more and more of the things that if we thought about it are not acceptable. There’s supposedly a woman’s sexual revolution going on here in the United States, and I think that would explain why women liked the book so much. (They’ve been groomed to like it). Even I’ve seen shows that I liked just because the heroine was able to break free of her preconceived roll. I think it’s seen as an equality thing. “Look we can be just as jerky as a man and get away with it just like a man.” Whatever. Personally, my husband isn’t a jerk, and he’s not getting away with much that I know of.
AND (yes, I write the posts that never end) I totally agree with you! I’m sure there are plenty of men that I could of married and been happy with, but I choose to marry my husband, thus throwing my lot in with his for good or bad. Every marriage has troubles, we aren’t perfect, and there are some marriages that need to be dissolved, but for the most part, if two people are working on a marriage… there is a lot of hope for an overall happy/worth it marriage.
I’ve heard women say that their husbands are their soulmates, and wondered about it. I don’t really believe in soulmates, but I think there maybe a small population out there that do have a person they need to find. Hope they fine ’em, it would be a bummer if they didn’t.
In using soulmate in a different way, If you are married in the temple than you are now married to your soulmate. (If all is proper within your marriage.) And now you should spend the rest of you life really working on becoming soulmates with that person. It’s the working on it that makes you soulmates.
Glad you reviewed this book, I don’t have time to read stupid books about foolish women. (I have time to read other stupid books, just not about foolish women 😉 )
Sorry this post is so long, you just have such interesting things to say I can’t help putting my 2 cents in, even if it is late at night and I have no idea how to think clearly after 7pm.